40 Before 40

It’s been a few years since I have created my annual “bucket list” but, with the intent of making my 40th year celebratory, memorable, challenging and healthy while laying some significant ground work for life after 40, I’ve created my “40 Before 40” list (in no particular order) with the intent of doing most, if not all before December, 2018!

1. Be able to run 5km without stopping (again and again)
2. Lose 10 lbs and keep it off 
3. Take a photography class @neil_zee
4. 40th Birthday/Reunion weekend with my Dorion sistas
5. Take Robyn to play Bingo when she turns 18 (her request….)
6. Get teeth 100% fixed
7. Celebrate my mom’s 70th in a special way
8. Try yoga – do it once a month
9. Take the coaching course
10. Create a business plan & start a company
11. Get a will made
12. Read/listen to 25 books
13. Cook something new twice a month
14. Bring lunch to work at least 3 days a week
15. Massive closet purge
16. Create something and hang it on my wall
17. New blog post at least once a month
18. Create a website
19. Go skiing with friends
20. Paddleboard
21. Learn to two-step
22. Play beach volleyball
23. Fly a kite
24. Convert photos to digital
25. Master driving manual/standard (Logan, I need to borrow your car!)
26. Make pottery 
27. Learn to fly fish
28. Road trip somewhere I’ve never been (better yet in a convertible)
29. Watch the Harry Potter movies (never seen one nor ready the books)
30. Gratitude journal
31. Operation Adopt-a-Joe (at least once a month do something for “Ol Joe”)
32. Climb all the stairs at work ~ work up to 2 times
33. Cut my hair off
34. Enter a competition
35. Drink a minimum of 1 litre a day of water
36. Spend a night away alone
37. Try 10 new foods
38. Get my shots up to date
39. Zipline in Mexico
40. 40th birthday trip – somewhere new!

The Other Side of the Question Mark

The big 4-Oh is staring me down.  Understandably, milestone birthdays cause people to reflect on where they are in life, where they think they should be, and where they need to go.  This can be a time of dread or celebration depending on the experiences you have had and/or how many regrets you have piled up.

Becoming a mom is the most challenging and rewarding thing I’ll ever do in my life.  The fact that I was 17 when I became one meant that my life has been structured a little differently than a lot of people I know.  Due to no other reason than unconditional love, I have done my best to consistently put the needs of my kids first from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I’ve been busy since then! Kids, jobs, marriage, divorce and living.

For the last 20+ years, the idea of turning 40 has intrigued me.  It’s been hanging out there like a giant question mark with the other side completely blocked so I couldn’t see what was after it.  Turning 40 is like a right of passage that excites me yet scares the hell out of me all at the same time (as most great things do)!

40 means that all my kids are off on their own paths and creating their futures.  It means that, while they don’t need me like they needed me before, our relationships are evolving into great friendships. 40 means I give way less weight to what anyone else thinks about me. 40 means I’m still young enough to learn so many new things and travel so many new places. After working with an amazing coach 40 means that I know what my gifts are!  40 means it’s my time to put my gifts into practice.

The first year we grew a garden, we didn’t put a lot of thought into it.  We got some dirt, planted some seeds and some stuff kinda grew ~ but not very well.  Every year since, we take the time to prep the soil with fertilizer and peat moss, plant seeds as directed, thin out the plants and water, water, water.  The difference in size, quality, yield and resulting pride is remarkable.

I have a year until I turn 40.  One year until I’m on the other side of that road block and creating what is on the other side of the question mark.  Like the garden, I plan on spending the next year prepping for my exciting new chapter!

Love many, trust few. Always paddle your own canoe.

I heard that little saying from a friend a few years ago.  I’m sure it often popped up as a clever little nugget scrawled in autograph books  ~ when those were still a thing. I recently got a good dose of both the literal and metaphorical meaning of these lines.

I was part of a group of friends out for a Saturday float down the river on a hot, sunny day.  As some rafts were slower than others, we decided to to tie together so we could visit.  Due to a terrifying, near-drowning experience when I was a child, I’m admittedly a little hyper-sensitive about water safety but had had quite a relaxing day.  However, I knew there was a spot down river where we would have to get out because of a large, dangerous weir and the knowledge of that had been plaguing me all afternoon.

As we came around the final bend before the weir, I started feeling really uneasy but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to have to argue my reasoning for being scared only to be told it was fine when I clearly knew it was not.  The current was quite unpredictable and, after getting stuck in a dead spot, we found ourselves being pulled right out into the middle of the river.  We were 6 souls on 4 rafts, tied together, stuck in the current and heading for the thin rope and buoys which was the last barrier between me and certain drowning.  No one else seemed overly concerned which made me more confused and truly terrified.  It was at that point that the full panic set in.

My memory of the balance of events is a more than a little fuzzy… I know I was paddling like an Olympian but not getting anywhere because we were tied together. The more I was told to calm down, the more I freaked out.  At some point I put my life jacket on and bailed in the water deciding to swim for my life. I could not tell you my plan because I didn’t have one.  I could not even tell you if the water was warm or cold because I have no recollection.  I know I was screaming (probably hysterically) at Dean to “GET ME OUT” and he was yelling at me not to leave the boat.  All I could think was that these friends that I love were going to drag me down stream to the weir.

I know I have tears while I type this days later because I can still feel the paralyzing fear and the sting of embarrassment from panicking. I know I somehow swam to shore and we all made it off the river before the weir. I know Dean never let go of me.

Hopefully, we will go again this weekend. The weather is supposed to be great and I know we’ll have some good friends that will want to go as well.  I can guarantee you that I won’t be tied to anyone, I’ll be paddling myself and that Dean will be right beside me.

“Love many, trust few.  Always paddle your own canoe.”

My Teetering Pedestal

My beloved pedestal.  How delightfully I climbed my way up on top of you.  How polished and righteous I portrayed myself to others looking up. How subtly boastful I was when looking down at others from atop. I actually felt sorry for those others who didn’t seem to have their shit nearly as together as I had fooled myself into believing mine was. The compliments I delighted in while knowing that what I was presenting was secretly a sham.

As the years went you teetered and swayed increasing in frequency and intensity. Each time I pretended like I had it all under control.  I calmed the storms but the motion sickness became ever-present. I was the master of excuses, often compromising my values. I intentionally ignored warnings of impending disaster.  I steadied you time and time again.  As long as I could look like everything was ok, then it was ok, wasn’t it?  Lies..

Inevitably, you toppled. It was violent and painful.  The hidden was exposed.  It was as if a bomb had exploded and shrapnel of my perfect life flew in every direction.   As you fell, you stripped away my pride and crashed me into a dark pit of shame. In my selfish efforts to keep up appearances, my kids were hurt and that will always be my biggest regret.  However, as painful as it was to hit it, that rock bottom turned out to be my solid foundation.

So, my dear pedestal, where do we stand now?

Let me tell you, you’d better hang on because I’m back on top! This time, instead of pretending to have all my shit together, I’m up here as an example of what it looks like when you don’t. I’m going to be honest about my trials and struggles! Instead of looking down at others, I’m going to bring them up with me so they can endure the natural ups and downs of life just like I am knowing we will get through it together! Instead of boasting, I’m going to hand out accolades.  Instead of envy, I’m going to look at others living real as an inspiration.

So you go ahead and teeter! Lean, bend, sway, rock and even fall over if you must! What I’m building on top is sincere, honest and humble and therefore it can be bruised but it can’t be shattered when I fall!